Your Depression Might Not Be Depression
Coming to terms with my diagnosis
Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels
DISCLAIMER: This piece references self-harm. I am not a medical professional and none of this should be taken as medical advice. This is simply my story.
Last year I was sitting in my psychiatrist’s office discussing the most recent crisis I was in the middle of. At that time, I was overwhelmed with suicidal ideation to a point I hadn’t ever before. I would daydream about violent ways to end my life and I found myself unable to think about anything else. I was consumed by the notion that I should end my life.
I had worked with this professional for years and we had a pretty good relationship, so she looked at me frankly and said “Every crisis is an opportunity,” and proceeded to add a layer to my diagnosis I hadn’t had before.
From an early age I was identified as suffering from depression and attention-deficit disorder. I was introduced to therapy and placed on medication to manage both. Despite years of trying multiple different chemical cocktails, I never was able to sustain a prolonged period of stability. Often I would find a boost from the new drug, I would hit a plateau, and then my mood would start to slide until I would be dragged back to the psychiatrist to see what we could try next. That day in her office she asked me a couple questions and explained that she thought I was dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. She explained that it could be concurrent with my depression or my depression could be a symptom of the BPD.
Mental illness is hard to diagnose. There’s no blood test you can take that can tell you that you’re suffering from depression versus generalized anxiety versus post-traumatic stress versus bi-polar disorder. Because there’s no suitable way to quantifiably test mental illness, coming to a diagnosis can be an arduous process involving trial and error. Many mood disorders have similar symptoms and while the body of knowledge continues to evolve there’s still much left to discover. She explained that the mood swings I’ve been feeling, the suicidal ideations, my inability to calm down when I got angry, my intense feelings were all components of this thing I had only heard in passing.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH),
“Borderline personality disorder is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships with other people. A person with borderline personality disorder may experience episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from a few hours to days. Recognizable symptoms typically show up during adolescence (teenage years) or early adulthood, but early symptoms of the illness can occur during childhood.”
They continue,
“People with borderline personality disorder may experience mood swings and may display uncertainty about how they see themselves and their role in the world. As a result, their interests and values can change quickly. People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can also change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.”
While this revelation has guided me to a better place, I remember feeling sad when I learned it. I had spent so many years of my life believing a story and then to realize that story wasn’t true, and how much time felt wasted, I had a hard time not feeling angry that I hadn’t learned this earlier.
Hearing my psychiatrist’s words was like using a key on a door I didn’t realize was there, let alone locked. I have a hard time with relationships, romantic or platonic. There’s a familiar story that runs through my head — if someone hasn’t been around they don’t care about you — and while deep down I know those words ring false, it’s so easy to listen to the stories we tell ourselves, isn’t it?
As I’ve gotten older there are more relationships than I care to admit that I know I had some part in their end. I hold grudges but I am quick to forgive. I am angry yet conciliatory. I get depressed yet I live on. I am not perfect, but I am okay. I began embracing my own contradictions. I am no longer taking any psychiatric medications, I’ve embraced some new ways to manage my BPD like mindfulness, spending time in nature, gardening, and entheogens to name a few and while it hasn’t always been easy, right now things are going well.
I like to say that for these past few years I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and understanding what Borderline Personality Disorder is has given me some of the knowledge I needed to keep moving.
